07 Apr Thank You for the Spray Tan Mam
Thursday night finishing work late, feeling restless as I walk to the car. The idea of grabbing something to eat at the pub on the way home seems good.
They serve the best chicken schnitzel. I am starving. The schnitzel is so big it hangs off the plate. You need a friend to help you eat it. It’s like the chicken is on steroids. Whenever a mate is over from interstate we always take them for the schnitzel challenge … You gotta check out the look on their face when they see how big it is.
This pub is great fun. It brings back really good memories to me. At one stage we used to go there every Friday after work. They have a beer club which we all were members of. They serve about 96 different types of beer you need to drink them all to get your name added to the list on the wall of fame.
You have to have at least one drink every 3 months. That didn’t affect us as we were there every week.
One night the beer club database failed on their PC. They couldn’t bring up our names. We restored the file for them from backup which was stored on a floppy disk (yes it was a long time ago) as a thank you they gave us $350 worth of drinks that night. There were about 8 of us. We had a lot to drink then tried to take over the IT contract as the pub is close to work. We could drop by during our lunch break to fix any problems they might have. We failed to get their business as they already had signed a contract with someone else. It was worth a try.
The toilets never had signs MALE and FEMALE instead it was LIAR and LIARETTE. I love playing this game every time I go there. This night was not any different. I sat at the table opposite to the toilets. When girls pass by asking where the toilets are. I say see the sign that says LIAR .. they go yeah then I say well that’s it. I sent so many girls to the men’s toilet. My mates and I always laugh about it. I met a few girls playing this game including a school teacher who spilt a plate of dip all over me accidentally or intentionally as it might have been her way of breaking the ice. I ordered my food then sat down to unwind at my regular table yes the one in front of the toilets. A couple of girls walk by I send them to the male toilets where the sign says, LIAR. One of them is smart and realised what I am doing as she saw LIARETTE out of the corner of her eye. She smacks me on the shoulder. I laugh and tell her “Can you believe how many girls fell for that ???” They all end up going to the male toilets then come out and realise what happened. I then get called a bastard for doing this. We laugh about it then they leave. A few minutes later this gorgeous blond girl walks by with a fake tan. I am up for a little more fun
Hass: “Nice tan … It looks like you spent way too long time in the sun” with a sarcastic voice
Tan girl: Smiles.
Hass: Thinks I have a response … wicked she liked my joke … I try and send her to the male toilets but she knows what I am doing…
Tan girl: “I am not falling for that one …”
Hass: “And I thought blonds were dumb … Oh my God, it’s not true ..” Cheeky smile.
My food comes out. I start eating … The tan girl goes back to her friends across from me at the bar. She keeps looking my way every now and then … She comes back towards me and accidentally bumps into me.
Tan girl: “Sorry babe.”
Hass: “Babe ??? What do I look like ??? A pink pig …”
Tan girl: “That’s not what I meant ..”
Hass: “That is the word I hate the most in the English language ….”
Tan girl: “Why ?”
Hass: “Well people say it all the time as if they are sorry for their lives or existence. I only say it if I really did something bad that warrants me saying it … In your case, it is warranted. Apology accepted. I will let you go this time just make sure you don’t bump into me again otherwise you will have to make it up to me.”
Tan girl: Bumps into me again intentionally …
Hass: I look at my shoulder. The tan had come off her onto my shirt … I look at her and say “What the ??? Aren’t they supposed to dry you off before they let you out into the wild ???”
Tan girl: “I am so so sorry!”
Hass: “You should be as you got your tan all over my shirt … How are you going to make it up to me ?”
Tan girl: “What do you want me to do ???”
Hass: “Aww that is an interesting question … For now, you can buy me a drink. I will have a vodka red bull.”
Tan girl: “Ok I’ll get you one.”
Hass: Not happy about my shirt but enjoying my drink as I continue eating. Tan girl is eyeballing my schnitzel so I smile … “Haven’t you seen anybody eat before ??? I am not going to give you any after what you did …”
Tan girl: Smiles.
Hass: “Ok this time I will make an exception.” I give her some after all I’ve had enough … I can’t finish it all on my own anyway…
After she eats the rest of my schnitzel, we talk a little more. Her friends had left by now, after telling me to take care of tan girl and if I don’t do the right thing by her they will get me. A speech I have heard many times …
Tan girl tells me the weirdest story about her friend who was in Brisbane … Her friend, let’s call her Jessica, went out to a bar then met this guy … They ended up sleeping together that night … She wakes up with this weird skin condition … She goes to the doctor two days later. The doctor calls the cops as she had a disease that you can only get if you have been sleeping with dead people. She was freaking out after hearing that she had to be interrogated by the police. It turned out that the dude was a gravedigger. It looks like he was getting a little too close and friendly with his customers …
I was sitting there shaking my head. I asked, “Was she the grave fucker chick ???”
Tan girl: “No it was not me, I swear it was my friend …”
She then tells me that it is her day off tomorrow. I ask her if she wears granny underpants .. she says no. It was getting late. She follows me to my place … We sit down I put on a movie with Jude Law and Natalie Portman called Closer. We watch it for like 10 minutes. We then start kissing. I then start running my fingers gently on her hand then move up to around her neck. She gets goosebumps on her skin. I pull a little on her hair. She likes it… She whispers into my ear “You are one sexy boy …” I carry her to the bedroom then I show her how beautiful my ceiling is while she lies on her back … I kiss her from her lips while I move down slowly undressing her as I kiss .. the tan is not very good as more of it is coming off … I reach her panties, take them off slowly. As I expose more skin I uncover the coolest butterfly tattoo … I mean whose idea was it to have a butterfly tattoo on your lower back? It is much more sexy between your legs … I then start eating that butterfly while I hear the sexiest noises which turns me on more … We end up fucking a few times then I carry her into the shower after I rip the sheets off the bed … We are all clean we fall asleep … I wake up, need to leave for work. I tell her to have breakfast and leave when she is ready … When I arrive home I find a thank you note on my pillow “Thank you for a wonderful night. I will call you tonight! I can’t get the smile off my face! You are one sexy boy. Tan girl xox
I never hear from her … Three months later I get a phone call from tan girl
Tan girl: “Hey How are you doing ?”
Hass: “Fantastic as usual … Where the hell have you been ???”
Tan girl: “I missed you and I got something to tell you.”
Hass: Thinks to himself what is going on but waits …
Tan girl: “I am pregnant.”
Hass: “What the fuck ??? How ???? I am good but I am not that good … I always use a condom and when I trust a person well enough I use the withdraw method …I can’t get you pregnant by kissing you.“
Tan girl: “Relax it’s not yours”
Hass: Lets out a sigh of relief …
Tan girl: “I had unprotected sex with my ex-boyfriend on the beach while we were stoned 3 weeks before I met you. I had a sinus infection and the pill didn’t work so I got pregnant. I didn’t even know I was pregnant as after I left your place I went to a BBQ at my Auntie’s. I couldn’t eat much and I felt bloated. It wasn’t like me. My Auntie got me a pregnancy test kit. That is how I found out. I decided to keep the baby. I didn’t know how I was going to tell you ???”
Hass: “Well you just pick up the phone and call …”
Tan girl: “ The father does not want to tell his family that it is his. He doesn’t even want to admit it’s his .. We are going to have to get a DNA test …”
Hass: “ Ok hope it works out for you … I am not really interested in something serious at the moment …”
Tan girl: “Ok”
And that was the end of it …
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