14 Apr No thanks for your spermlette Hank Moody
End of a major project celebration is just about to start. It’s casual Friday at work and the weekend is about to begin. Just about to leave. I call reception to get a cab booked to take me to the venue. I am on my way to the ground floor to wait for the cab. We have a bug with one of our systems for which I logged a case as there is no permanent fix for the problem. My guess is that it will be a software upgrade with a version which is not released to the public yet as the forums didn’t have the answer. Lucky there is a temporary fix which I discovered by pure coincidence. I am about to leave the building when the phone rings. It’s the support guy
Support guy: “Hello My name is John” (with an Indian accent.) How are you?”
Hass: “Great thanks.”
Support guy: “You logged a case with us. Your fault has been logged in our system. This is a courtesy call.”
Support guy: “I will get back to you on Monday as I have to give you a special link to access the software as it is not released to the public.”
Hass: “OK that is what I expected, no problems. What is your real name by the way???”
Support guy: “I can’t answer that …”
Hass: “So it’s not John then?? haha OK, John I won’t give you a hard time ‘cos you are actually helpful. Have a wonderful weekend.”
Support guy: “Thanks.”
I hang up the phone then it rings again.
Project Manager: “Where are you??? We are about to order and we are waiting for you …”
Hass: “Yeah yeah on my way … Just getting into the cab now.”
Project Manager: “OK hurry up.”
Hass: “Well I can only go as fast as the driver goes. I’ll see you guys soon.”
Project Manager: “OK catch ya.”
Getting in the cab on the way to the party. I am surprised the cab driver is an Aussie.
Hass: “Hey I bet you meet a lot of interesting people driving this cab.”
Cab driver: “Yeah mate … We see all sorts of people. The most interesting ones are the really drunk ones in addition to the ones who don’t want to pay the cab fare.”
Hass: “Well I guess that keeps you entertained except for the ones who don’t pay their fare, though!”
Cab driver: “Yeah it is all good.”
We arrive at the venue. I get out of the cab then go up. Everyone is sitting down ready to order.
Guys: “Finally you are here … We can start …”
Hass: “Yeah … Woohoo …”
Project Manager: “This is Hass.”
Guys the ones I didn’t know and not all at once: “Yeah we have heard your name around. It is good to put a name to the face.”
Hass: “Yeah … I have heard your names around too that makes us even ..” smile.
Jet is there … Hass thinks to himself … ohh this is going to be interesting …
Jet: “What will you be doing after dinner …??? You look like you are ready to party with your Cuban hat on and the bullet band around your arm …”
Hass thinks to himself … He is planning to move on to the next party already. I have not even sat down for 5 mins then he replies “Yeah you don’t need to worry dude as I forgot my gun at home … haha”
Jet: “So what’s happening?”
Hass: “I am going to the opening of Rumba nights a Salsa Party … Not the one that you eat with your nachos … I am talking about dancing … Come along …”
Hass: “I will be meeting Lizzie around 9:30 pm. We can walk to the dancing venue after dinner as it is not too far from here …”
Hass: “Guys you are welcome to join us too.”
Guys: “Nahh it’s ok we will keep the extra partying for you guys.”
Hass: “OK now what are we going to order????”
The waitress walks by and starts taking orders… Now it’s Hass’s and Jet’s turn …
Waitress: “What would you like???”
Hass and Jet: “What would you recommend???”
Waitress: “Well our Aussie meat stone grill is the best. If I was ordering I would get that.”
Jet: “I will take one of those.”
Hass: “Well now I know what not to order … Thanks for that.”
Hass: “I will take the seafood stone grill please …”
Waitress: “At least you have manners …”
The wine list is being passed around for each person to select a bottle. There is about 12 of us … We are all drinking one wine after the other. The food comes out. Various people are talking to each other and there are multiple conversations going on all at once. We are all enjoying it and talking about the success of the project … etc Everyone is having fun. It is turning into a wonderful night …
It is around 9:25 pm. I can’t even remember how many drinks I had … Jet is in the same condition. It’s drunk and drunker not in any particular order …
Hass: “Let’s go bro … It will take us about 20 to 30 mins to get there.”
Jet and Hass: “Catch you later guys … Thanks for this dinner. You guys sure you don’t want to join us????”
Guys: “Yeah you guys have fun we’ll kick back for a little longer …”
Hass: “OK see you when I look at you.”
We muck about with the waitress for a little bit …
Hass: “Hey you should come with us to the party. It will be fun.”
Waitress: “I have to work …”
Hass: “Say you are sick or something then you can come with us. I won’t tell your boss …”
Waitress: “No I can’t do that …”
Hass: “Too bad you are gonna miss out …”
Jet gets his baseball cap then we both leave. Walking then my phone rings. It’s Lizzie.
Lizzie: “Where are you???”
Hass: “We are on our way. We are about 20 mins away … I’ll text you when we are there.”
We finally arrive. At the door, we are asked for the entrance fee. I have my name in addition to Bobcat’s name on the guest list at the door. I tell Jet to pretend to be Bobcat on the way to the venue as he can’t make it. He does not care as he will get in for free which means more money for drinks. They have a new guest Chilean model for the opening night at the door who engages me into a conversation about my bullet wrist band. She is struggling with her English. It is hard to tell that she can’t understand English very well. I drop in a few words in Spanish. It was a good distraction and we get in without being asked for IDs. My good girl mate Smurfette is there. We say hello then we head straight to the bar for the best drink ever. Vodka and Red Bull … It is the yin and yang of drinks mixed up. One wakes you up and gives you energy, the other relaxes you. Lizzie arrives right after we get our drinks.
I introduce her to Jet then he gets her a drink and they talk. Smurfette comes back so I get her a drink. She is the one who got me into this Latino party scene just 4 months ago after my long term relationship breakup … As we are getting drinks Mickey walks by (She has the biggest humpbacks you would have ever seen) whom I met once at a dinner party. The first thing that came out of her mouth at the dinner party before even being introduced was “You get laid a lot … don’t you???” To which I replied with a smirk … That night was not any different as the first thing that came out of her mouth after saying hello accompanied by a kiss on the cheek was “Are you two fucking???” No, Mickey, we are just friends Smurfette replied… We got distracted then I grabbed Mickey by the hand for a salsa dance … As we are dancing we talk …
Mickey: “I don’t know how to dance.”
Hass: “Do you know the basics???”
Mickey: “Yes …”
Hass: “Well, don’t worry just follow my lead. I’ll make you look great. See you are doing fine already.”
After the dance … We sit down then we start talking as I am stroking her neck about how Mickey was a Jehovah’s witness when she was a child and how she broke away from that then she told me that people think that she gets laid a lot but that is not really the case. We were having a drunken conversation.
Lizzie interrupts our conversation then asks me for a dance then says “Hass we should do lunch one day” to which I reply with a smile.
She is a nice girl … I don’t really know why I did that… I guess I was not really into her or I was really drunk. She would never have gone on the back of the motorbike so it wouldn’t have worked out anyway …
We are in doubt on how to do an inline turn so I interrupt my lady instructor to ask her … She gladly gives me the correct answer. We are still dancing. I am doing very well considering the amount of alcohol in my system. I stumble into Jet again then we go and get another Vodka Red Bull. I lost count of how many drinks we had. He has been talking to this Brazilian Bikini shop owner before we ran into each other. They are giving out free passes for another Latino event. I walk to the stage then the Chilean model hands me a pass for two and the cameraman snaps a shot of us …
Lots of people I know are there. I just say quick hellos. Jet and I muck around a little then run amuck. I just keep tapping girls on their shoulders then walk away. They don’t know who is doing it … I turn around there is Cinderella and Princess Fiona .. I say hi then I walk over to tap these girls on the shoulder then look the other way … Jet was getting into trouble as they thought it was him. I was just laughing … The taps on the shoulders turned into kicks on the bums … I was not only doing it to strangers but people I know as well … Then I end up talking to Tammy one of the girls who is in my Salsa dancing class … I ask her what her favourite chocolate is … I said it better not be a plain boring one or you will get a strike … Smurfette comes back saying you have a lot of girls after you tonight to which I reply with a smirk then say “It must be a full moon as they are all crazy …” I think I was the crazy one as by then I have had so much to drink …
Jet comes to thank me for a lovely night then leaves … I am so drunk I go hassle Cinderella and Princess Fiona for a while.
Cinderella does not like what I am doing. I can’t blame her, after all, I was kicking her so I go out to get some fresh air … My instructor walks by says bye … I am stuck next to a tree not feeling too good … not a nice scene.
My instructor will never look at me the same way again. I don’t really care. Somehow I make it home in a cab… I leave the cab then I start puking all over the rose patch… I make it into the house then pass out on the couch … I lie there looking completely wasted with some puke on the side of my new pink polo shirt … Yeah, it’s pink … Guys call it salmon … Salmon my arse it’s pink so get over it and be man enough to admit it “It is OK men can wear pink too … It’s only a colour”
About 6 months ago my grandma died. My mum was lonely … I had given her season one of Californication to watch by mistake … What was I thinking??? I guess I was not thinking at that point in time … Also, I told her to come to my place whenever she wants too as she was really sad for the passing away of my grandma … Again what was I thinking? I was being the good son and providing support at a difficult time… The funny thing is that my mum liked Californication and was telling me
Mum: “You remind me of Hank Moody …”
Hass: “You gotta be kidding me … Do I look like a drunken, pot-smoking, womanizing writer???”
Mum: “No !!! I mean the smart-arse comments you come up with …”
Hass: “Well that is ok then …”
Hold that breath … I am passed out on the couch with some puke on my shirt on Saturday morning around 9 am. It was a nice warm summer’s day. I hear this loud knock on the door and someone yelling Joseph Hass, Joseph Hass …
Hass: “What the fuck???? Who the fuck comes to visit someone at 9 am on Saturday??? You Jehovah’s witness people go to Africa we know about God here …”
I then get up to open the door. It was my mate, Harry. He had come for a visit from Melbourne with his new girlfriend in a rental car …
Harry: “Sorry mate … It’s me. I have my girlfriend with me. We were cruising around the hills and I thought we’d drop by … I can go if you like …”
Hass: “No no it’s ok man …” (I change my shirt very quickly so there is no puke on it) I can’t say any straight words as the alcohol is still flowing through my veins … As I passed out around 6 am on the couch …
I invite Harry and his girlfriend in but they are happy to sit outside as the weather is beautiful. We have a little chat then Harry looks at my new red motor bike … Sex on two wheels … I start it up for him. He likes the sound of it … He sits on the bike and revs it a few times.
They don’t stay long then leave without having a drink. I think they saw the state I was in and felt sorry for me as much as I felt sorry for myself … I still couldn’t say a straight sentence. We agreed to meet in town later on that night with VMan.
After they left I walked back into the house … my old lady (mum) scared the crap out of me … I didn’t realise that she was in the house … Lucky no one else was with me … She then started giving me a lecture … I felt like I was 14 years old again … This has not happened for many years ;-(
Mum: “You are a good boy. You shouldn’t do this to your body …”
Hass: “Yeah thanks …”
Mum: “You need to go to Binge Drinkers’ Anonymous …”
Hass: “What??? I don’t think there is such a place”
Then I take the keys to my house and tell her “next time you come up you need to call me …” She decides to go as she had an appointment.
I then head to the shower to clean myself, wake up as I am a complete mess then go out to get some food … While at the supermarket I spot this hot girl looking at low-fat olive spread … our eyes meet I smile and lick my lips while I am looking at her … She smiles back.
Hass: “Hey you need a lot of work but you can afford the extra calories why don’t you just go for the full-fat butter. You know it tastes better … I am bad …” Cheeky smile
Supermarket girl: “I have to work hard for my figure …”
Hass: “Yeah I know but you can still have a break every now and then … I am glad I am a guy … You see we don’t have to worry
about these things the older we get the better we look and there are nobody clock issues …”
Supermarket girl: Smiles …
Hass: “Look what are you up to tonight?”
Supermarket girl: “Not much I am having a quiet one …”
Hass: “Look give me your phone …”
Supermarket girl: Hands me her phone.
Hass: I enter my phone number in there then dial mine that way I get her number as well then say “Look my mates and I will be out in town later on tonight … Give me a call then we can catch up …”
Supermarket girl: “OK”
I leave after getting some food, make it home eat, rest for a little while then head to town to meet Harry, his girlfriend and VMan.
We meet at a new trendy multicultural place in town …
I meet up with friends from salsa as well. We have a few dances. I have a chat with my DJ friend I am not touching any alcohol tonight … I can’t even stand the smell of it.
I get talking to two breast cancer researchers who were in the club about the different shapes of boobs and if the shape affects your chances of getting breast cancer … I introduce the guys to my salsa friends and the breast cancer researchers …
We don’t last very long. It’s around midnight. Harry and his girlfriend are tired from their trip and want to head back to the hotel … I think to myself not really … then say “You guys just want to have sex …”
We call it a night … I walk back to my car as VMan gets a cab then my phone rings. It’s supermarket girl …
Supermarket girl: “Hey!!!”
Hass: “Hey u!!! How is the quiet night going …”
Supermarket girl: “Not too good I want to get out …”
Hass: “Great … Good timing with that call as my mates just left me .. they are on their way home … Meet me in town and bring your dancing shoes… I will teach you how to dance salsa not that I am good at it but it will be fun …”
Supermarket girl: “OK see you in 20 mins …”
Hass: “Cool …”
I head back to the multicultural venue. She meets me there. We have a quick drink non-alcoholic for me then we dance a little. She does not know how to dance at all … I have some work to do … She gets into the dancing and likes the Latino music with all its timbre and colourful themes.
I have to go to the boy’s room. I tell Supermarket girl that this guy is eyeballing her and as soon as I leave he will come over to talk to her. The only reason he is not coming is I am next to her. She does not believe me … I am off to the boys’ room when I come back
Supermarket girl: “You were right …he came and talked to me.”
Hass: “I know … I could read his body language .. You girls are supposed to be good at this stuff … Cheeky smile … By the way have you eaten???”
Supermarket girl: “No”
Hass: “Let’s go grab something. I’ll take you to this yiros place.”
After we have some food we head to my place to practice more salsa … I put a cool salsa cd on then show her around the house. We dance while talking not about anything in particular … We start kissing … We fuck she is a wild girl we go for two hours till she finally slows down. We fall asleep … I wake up to the touch of soft hands running around my back with gentle kisses on my cheek … I start getting turned on we start fucking again she goes on top and rides me like a horse then I flip her over and cum like crazy all over her belly and tits …
I get up to make some breakfast as by that time I am starving … I crack some eggs and start beating them to make an omelette …
Supermarket girl comes out of the room saying “I want a cock milkshake before breakfast …” She tells me I have a beautiful cock then she starts sucking it. I sit back on the kitchen bench she is going down on me like a starving homeless guy that has not eaten for days … I loose control pull out quickly as I was really sensitive especially on the tip I cum a little in her mouth and she swallows then all over her face and around her eyes. She loves it. Due to pulling out really fast some cum lands in the egg bowl I was holding in my hand. I just whip it all up without thinking … I cook the eggs with spices, tomato, chilli and cheese then serve her the eggs …
Hass: “Here you go.”
Supermarket girl: “Thanks.” then she starts eating
Hass: “I hope you enjoy it”
Supermarket girl: “Yeah it’s nice”
I say “I have a confession” then tell her about what happened. She just ate my spermlette … She loses it not happy about what I just did … I have a conversation with her as to what is the difference between having it raw or having it cooked … I am sort of confused as she just swallowed some of my raw load while being happy about it …
Supermarket girl says “When it is in the moment it is different. OMG, I can’t believe you did this having it cooked is not the same. It’s a big turn off … No thanks for your spermlette” as she walks out… What got me is that she liked my omelette until she knew what was in it … 🙁
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